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| We're not in the wild...or are we? |
When my best friend, Steph, texted me last night that she was upset about something that had happened at the grocery store, I had to cringe. The grocery store, the unofficial arena of public opinion. Ah yes, the grocery store. What a perfect place to air your feelings about the way other people live their lives, from what they are putting in their cart to apparently how they are raising their children poorly. Perhaps some important person, a congress person or talk show host will overhear these opinions, applaud them, and will offer these people 6 figure book deals.
In short, what happened was a regular trip to the grocery store with a 3 and 5 year old. Uneventful even in the eyes of Steph. And honestly, any trip to the store that doesn't end in blood, tantrums, and tears deserves a balloon drop in my opinion. And that's just with my husband, so with small kids, that's down right prize worthy. Boy was Steph wrong, because at the check out, her oldest accidentally gently bumped the cart of the lady(and I use the term loosely) behind her. This caused a long annoyed sigh and eye roll from her. As my friend was busy unloading her items, she didn't pay too much attention since she'd noticed the lady was on the phone. BUT THEN disaster struck when one of the kids lightly brushed her cart again. This chick lets out a another annoyed super sigh.
I'm sure you have lots of questions at this point. Was the lady's cart made of glass and filled with loose eggs that would obviously break if you looked at them? Did this lady somehow own this cart and was greatly concerned of any value depreciation that might happen if someone were to purposely brush past and therefor total her cart? NO, that was not the issue. My friend asked if everything was ok. The issue according to overprotective cart lady was that a child brushed against her cart and jostled the cart and herself enough to the point of her having to stop at that moment in her life, pause her phone conversation, and voice her udder contempt for people with ill behaved children. Then she dropped the line that really sealed her own self righteous fate. "Well I have 4 children and they'd NEVER behave that way..."
Well there you have it friends. The search can end for the worlds best behaving kids in a grocery store setting. This women's children would never dare to gently brush past another person in public. No, that would be terribly egregious of them and of course completely humiliating for the cart lady. She'd most likely have to move and of course send her devil spawn children into military school so as to right their wayward overly capricious attitudes. OR most likely this lady could've shut the hell up, gotten her grocery shopping done, and headed home to her angelic children who have probably prepared for her a gluten free organic cage free sugar free salt free dinner, and as she eats it they'll recite sonnets and of course haiku. To me, that just sounds so much more pleasant than all this unnecessary eye rolling and sighing and making nasty comments. But also, to me, it's the golden rule that you just don't judge other moms.
Negative parenting and judgement seems to be all around me these days. Just the other day I was at a lovely Valentine's Day Tea Party thrown by my daughters preschool. It was hosted be the teachers and a fun group of 3-5yr olds. The beginning consists of the children singing 2 or 3 songs. I'm sure you can guess that a few of the kids might get performance anxiety with all the parents pointing some type of recording equipment at them. One little girl got really upset and ran out crying. No biggie, it happens, she was nervous and it didn't disrupt the performance at all. Or so I thought. As the parents were taking the kids back to collect their coats and backpacks, one mother said very loudly "That little girl who was screaming and crying really ruined it for the rest of us!" Oh? OH really? Did she now? So rather than mind your own child's performance, you just had to take time out to notice the .5 seconds it took for an upset 5yr old to exit stage right? Was your own child doing just such a shitty job at singing that you had to throw shade at someone else's kid? And how about saying this in a hallway full of parents and most likely you child's friends? I'm sorry, is being a grown ass woman who's just a basic bully the cool thing now? No, it's not. And now I'm judging you because you can't possibly be in your right mind to be so blatantly rude an loud and negative.
It's actually really easy to be negative and judgmental sometimes when it comes to observing how people parent. How they feed their kids, how much television their kids watch, how many and which extra activities their kids are in, how they handle discipline, the list goes on. But that just has to stop. Negativity and judgement is getting us no where as parents. Most parents today strive to teach their kids that it's ok to be different and that it's important to not only be ok with but celebrate others beliefs. How can we teach if we aren't doing this exact thing? We can't. "Do as I say and not as I do" didn't work for the parents of the past, and it won't work for us now. If you truly believe that bullying is wrong, then why would you be the one to make snide remarks, roll your eyes, or condemn someone else who is honestly just doing the best they can to get through their day with their children JUST LIKE YOU.
You don't know anyones situation, and even if you think you do I can promise you that you really don't understand fully peoples lives, their needs and their children's needs. For example, you see a kid having a meltdown in the store(which was not the situation for Steph) and you might sneer and wonder why that child is out hungry or tired or past their bedtime or just throwing a fit like kids will do. Sure, maybe that kids is tired or hungry. But I'll bet you that mom or dad or grandma is too but they NEED groceries or NEED to run an errand. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a sitter or any extra time to get things done without kids along. Let's be real honest and say that no one really wants to go to the store with their kids. But you have to do what you have to do.
If you still have trouble keeping your comments to yourself, here's an exercise for you to try. Think back and remember your most embarrassing moment as a parent. That moment that still makes you cringe. That moment that you hope your mother in law never finds out about. Maybe your kid accidentally pulled a fire alarm or had a meltdown at the worst possible moment. When you think of that moment I want you to ask yourself one question. How helpful was it that other people were looking at you with eyes full of judgement. How did that feel? Not so great I'll bet. Probably humiliating. Because even when you do your best, shit happens. And even moms and dads are allowed to have an off day. So before you make that little remark under your breath or to someone else, remember that it could just as easily have been you. Really, there's just so much negativity in this world already. Do we really need to add to it and feed it? No, absolutely not.
You will, at some point, see another parent who's struggling. Maybe you want to help in some way. Assess the situation and remember that you interfering most likely isn't needed. If you still feel the need, smile, and say something like "I know you can handle this, but what can I do to help? I'm a parent too, so I know how it is." That little act of offering kindness might just make someones day...because you see, we're all in this together.
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