All The Stages of Preschool Drop Off

The joys of your children's preschool years. There are so many wonderful things to enjoy during that short time between toddler and kindergartner. Dropping your kids off at preschool is not one of those things. It's chaos, it can be tearful and extremely stressful. Mostly for you, parent or caregiver, because we must remain calm. Because we all know preschoolers feed off of tension and fear, they can smell it, and will use it against us. So here's what to expect.


1) Almost guaranteed your little "angel" already gave you a hard time even before getting out the door. You did everything wrong.  Breakfast wasn't what they wanted. Or you tried to torture them by brushing their teeth. Or the exact t-shirt they HAVE to wear isn't clean, which they don't care about. They want to wear it stained and crusty. Even if they wore it all weekend.  Even if it's been declared unfit to wear by 3 levels of government and you'd need to don a hazmat suit to get anywhere near it. How dare you. You've now made a powerful enemy who will stop at nothing to make your morning as hard as possible.

2) Before you even get into the school parking lot, there will be a traffic jam.  You'll wonder to yourself why they don't just get the state police to direct traffic near the preschool. Would that be too much to ask?

3) You'll spot the culprit of said traffic jam.  A small child throwing a fit in the middle of the road because their caregiver was just as terrible as you were and tried to get their little drop of sunshine to go to school not dressed like a miniature homeless bag person, or something like that. They are  doing their best to move their little road block and that little road block is doing it's best to kick, flail and cause a dramatic scene worthy of an Emmy.

4)You'll drive extremely slowly trying to avoid children darting out from in-between cars while looking for a parking spot that isn't exactly 13 miles away from the school.

5)That's when you see the car that somehow parked in 2 parking spots. Either they skipped they day in driving class that teaches you how to park and lack basic ethics and morals, or the rules just don't apply to them. THIS is why you'll need to park EVEN father away. A pox on them.

6) Desperately you'll park in-between cars in a spot that is so close on either side that you are absolutely going to have to suck it in to exit your vehicle and collect your child while awkwardly trying to insure your car door doesn't destroy the car next to yours.  Most likely you will fail and have to avoid eye contact with the person who's car you've now definitely brought down the resale value on.  Also you will realize the merit of those awesome sliding minivan doors. Or if you have a minivan, please stop reading this because you have your life together and bad things never happen to you.

7)After you wipe their face clean of the snack that they demanded on the way to school because they hate the breakfast you tried to force upon them, you grab the backpack that they refuse to wear.  In that split second, your kid will spot their bestie or a puddle or a shiny object in the middle of the parking lot.

8)Your kid is now the cause of #3, because they are required to throw a fit anytime you try to rescue them from danger.  It's now mandatory that they not only embarrass you for the wrongs you've inflicted upon them all morning but also cause a scene that Scarlett O'Hara would consider a bit much.

9) Finally you're almost to the front door of the school when you spot the Ubermom.  The best of the best. Glossy haired, fully made-up, and impeccably dressed. Most likely she's the one with the awesome minivan with those cool sliding doors.  And her children(there'll be at least three that she most likely birthed naturally while swimming with dolphins) that are also impeccably dressed in matching outfits that are not only clean but probably cost more than any piece of clothing you can ever dream of owning. You'll greet each other and she'll make sure to mention that her and her brood actually arrived early because they were SO excited to turn in their homework. Which'll remind you that

10) You've forgotten their homework!!!! It'll be something that the teacher mentioned in passing or at the very bottom of her weekly email, or somehow to every parent but you.  It'll be a small thing like a family picture(yes all of you in one picture looking at the camera preferably smiling), or something that starts with the letter X or a specific exotic fruit (that must be organic unless you want to be seen as a monster) to be added to the fruit salad that is nicer and more expensive than most meals you'll eat this week.  You'll scramble to find something in your bag(maybe the teacher will except your drivers license instead of that family picture) or something from nature(those berries on that bush near the dumpster kinda look like goji berries and most likely aren't poisonous...) with questionable results.

11)If you make it to the classroom without another meltdown(you won't), it's time to put the backpack in the cubby and argue once again with your darling.  Now you must explain why they are not allowed to bring their favorite toy, blanket, or stick that they found outside while you were desperately rooting around for their "homework" into class.  "Because I said so" and "because it's the rules" will not help you here.

12) When you finally get your child into the classroom and embarrassingly hand over the homework that'll totally have you labeled "that awful careless mom" for the rest of the year, 1 of 2 things will happen. 1)Your child will glide into class and care nothing about you until you return for them. Which will make you wonder if they love you at all. 2) Your child will fuss and not want to leave your side. Which will make you question all your choices as a parent and have you wondering how you could possibly even imagine separating yourself from them for even a minute.  But then

13) You'll realize you have 2 (or more) hours to yourself! The world is your oyster.  Maybe you'll just go to the grocery store or home to clean up a bit.  It doesn't matter because doing anything sans small children is heaven! So you'll forget the hardships of the morning, the little battles you fought, the curse words you nearly uttered aloud and have a small taste of freedom. Enjoy.  There's only 9 more months of this.